Painful Yesterdays, Better Tomorrows

Empty Vessels Need Filling

Yesterday was that day

I'll blame it on being female first off, for scientific reasons. You can infer what you will. Couple that with feeling like this week was Groundhog Day work wise, a child who has suddenly taken up a habit of hitting teachers at daycare, certain situations drudging up old wounds, and just all around feeling like I can't win for losing - in every arena of my life. It was the perfect storm for an emotionally charged outburst.

I promised myself my daughter would never see me break down. So far, I have not broken that code. My daughter has seen me upset and frustrated, but I have yet to lose it in front of her. So, I managed bedtime, and even made an attempt to just go to sleep myself which worked until about 1:00 a.m. I woke from a dead sleep, entirely in my feelings. Let's just say I cried so hard I busted some capillaries but couldn't cover them up with makeup because my eyes were too puffy to put anything on them.

Always juggling

For whatever reason at 1:00 a.m., the entire world was on my shoulders. Actually, the realization that I felt like the whole world was on my shoulders was, I guess, what happened at 1:00 a.m. I felt beyond defeated. I don't do well at asking for much of anything. I am used to doing it all by myself. I however will continue to do for other people without turning the tap off. What ends up here, is a vessel that is bone dry, and it cannot possibly pour out any more.

The issue with people like me is that in our weak moments, when we have reached the bone dry state, we don't just ask for what we need. Instead, we begin rehashing in our minds all of the experiences that have led us to this point of desperation and how much we feel like we have poured out, to not get any return on our investment. This causes anxiety and depression in that moment. It makes us question who we are and why we aren't good enough for someone to want to pour into us as much as we pour into them. 

Between working full time +, writing, co-parenting, attempting to keep house, keeping a side hustle afloat, attempting to blog, and attempting to be an encouraging voice for women like me - I get spent y'all. I get overwhelmed and I get weak. I feel like I'm back in a boxing ring except I feel like I'm in the ring for 15 minutes instead of three, and the rest time is only about 30 seconds instead of a minute. Insert trying to date or build a relationship into this mix and you have a perfect storm.

Say what you need to say

I've said this before, I'm great at giving advice - taking it is a different ball game. One piece of advice that I have taken to heart and earnestly tried to implement in my life - is saying what I feel I have to say, regardless of the outcome. I am learning to be brave enough to break my own heart instead of staying silent to avoid a fall out. I've learned you cannot keep things on your soul to avoid conflict because the inner turmoil you create for yourself is far more damaging. You also have to learn when to say "enough" and I struggle here. I'm an encourager and helper by nature and I will continue to try to be those things even when I'm a shell of a person myself. This isn't fair to the people asking for your help, because you can't give them your best. Saying you need a break is braver than continuing on empty and risking hurting those around you.

Don't Settle

Being self aware is so important. In the midst of my storm, I understand that I am the cause of 80% of the issues I had this week. I know it started with hormones and ended with working myself up. One tiny thing blew up into a big thing and it spiraled from there. However, if there are people in your life who are continuously manifesting situations where you are second guessing your worth or feeling like you aren't enough - it is time to evaluate your relationships. If there are people in your life to whom you have shown loyalty time and time again - and they are no where to be found when you need them - it is time for your loyalty to reach the end of it's "free trial period". You cannot allow yourself to settle for people who are absolutely callous about letting you down. Those people lack character and a moral compass and they do not care about you. If they are costing you your peace - they are too expensive. You must be brave enough to break your own heart and cut out people who will leach your happiness and leave you empty without thinking twice. You are too precious.


xoxo,

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I Know.

I’m watching you self-medicate to cope and it breaks me. It breaks my heart to see you filling voids with empty, harmful things. I know the pain beneath the cover up. I know the sorrow behind the smirk. I recognize it because it’s lived inside me too. I know that even in a crowded room you can feel alone.

I know that in the middle of going through the motions of learning how to be okay, you’re also reminded that somebody destroyed you. I know the desperate need to not feel. I know the nights spent alone, on your face, wondering why. I know what that dark hole in the middle of your chest feels like. I’m very familiar with not knowing how you’ll go on, and picking up anything and everything to keep your mind off the fact that you’re lost. I understand your reality. I see you. I have felt the sting of an “I’ll never leave you” on my own skin.  I know what it’s like to pour out loyalty to not get it back.

I also want you to know that darkness is broken by the smallest sliver of light. That as long as there’s a crack in the door, you’re not alone. You will never be left nor forsaken. I know you feel lost - but you are never far from where you need to be. I want you to know you’re loved in ways I can’t even explain for reasons I’m not aware of myself. Know that on the other side of the choice you make to stop self-destructing, is beauty and real love beyond anything you could imagine in this moment. 

I see you, and I know...all of the goodness in you and all of the strength in you. You’re strong enough to rise, you’re strong enough to overcome.

Xoxo,

B.

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Grace Under Pressure

We’ve put such pressure on ourselves and others to always be the best and to always exceed expectations, that when someone, including ourselves, doesn’t meet or exceed our expectations, we get angry and write them off as unworthy. I’ll be the first to tell you I’m guilty.

I put rules and expectations on people that I never tell them about and then get mad when they can’t meet them. I expect a certain standard of behavior from my friends, relatives, romantic relationships and if I don’t see that behavior, I feel offended. I don’t often stop to think whether I am being the best version of me for others – and if you’re honest – you probably do it too. Here’s some examples…

Example 1: You get irritated when someone doesn’t text you back, but if you look through your phone you’ll find at least one person you didn’t bother responding to.

Example 2: You don’t get an invite to something, but the last three times you were invited somewhere you chose to do other things or had some excuse as to why you couldn’t be there.

Example 3: You’re getting sick of your boyfriend’s lack of spontaneity and random displays of affection, but you can’t honestly name the last time you did something fun, sexy, or spontaneous just for him.

If we get down to it, we’re all guilty of some or all the examples I named – or different versions of them. The truth is, we can’t be the best version of ourselves every single day. If that were possible, we wouldn’t be human, and we wouldn’t require grace. I fail 100 times a day or more. I fail at being the best friend, the best Mom, and I absolutely fail at being the best girlfriend/lover/person. I’m not okay some days.

I know social media is bombarding you with quotes and memes about how you should be a Queen, be a boss, and excel at everything you do – and most of the time you should. But I want to tell you that even on your worst day – when your crown has fallen, when you can’t even boss yourself out of bed, and when you feel like you’ve failed everyone –  you’re still you, and you’re worth everything. If you weren’t Super Mom today, it’s okay. If you weren’t #1 Dad today, it’s okay. If you weren’t the best employee, friend, sister, or brother today – it’s okay.

I’m not the best at apologizing or asking for forgiveness, my pride gets the absolute best of me sometimes and the person I suck at apologizing to the most, is me. If you talk to anyone who knows me they’ll tell you it’s impossible for me to hold a grudge and that’s true, but when it comes to forgiving myself, I’m the worst. There are things in my life over a decade old that I recently forgave myself for. I had to figure out and understand that – I wasn’t okay when I made certain decisions in my life and that doesn’t make me unworthy – it makes me human and it isn’t possible for me to get it all right all the time. 

One day, my pride took a kick to the teeth…because when people are interested in hearing my story, I get to tell them about Jesus, grace, and how it changed my life. How can I tell people they were forgiven by a God who loves them through Christ, when I couldn’t forgive myself for my own damage? If Jesus’s blood was enough sacrifice for the Creator of Heaven and Earth to wipe my slate clean– who the hell did I think I was? He is greater than me and He already forgave. Once it clicked, there was no looking back.

In the same way I learned to forgive and liberate myself, I learned to forgive others and liberate myself…from them. I learned to accept apologies I’ll never receive. I know those people weren’t okay when they chose to make decisions which hurt me. It doesn’t make it right, but it sets me free. It frees my mind from thinking about it for one more second. It frees my soul from the burden of carrying hurt, and it frees my heart to let people in and love. 

The alternative is dangerous, and I’ve been there too. It’s dark and it’s lonely and it leads to decisions you sometimes can’t take back. This post comes on the back of some awful news within the last week about people who were under so much pressure to be successful, who seemed okay but weren’t and it led to some awful results.

Extend grace wherever you go-  first to yourself and then to everyone else.

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An Open Letter - To Others Like Me

I am comfortable with confrontation. Too comfortable, probably. I am comfortable with criticism, competition, and skepticism. In fact, if you want to light my fire - tell me I'm incapable of something - and watch me explode. I have been proving myself my entire life. From sports, to academics, to work - nobody has given me anything. 

I was introduced to the grind when I was 13 years old - and I haven't stopped since. Life has handed me some blows and it happens the same way every time; just when I think I've finally recovered from the last round - here comes another. I am like Muhammad Ali in the ring against Frazier - just when the fog out of my eyes begins to clear - here comes another jab and my vision gets blurry. But even that sets my soul on fire. I live for the next round. I live for the moments people come up to me and say, "you're the strongest person I know." 

I'm so used to having to prove myself that I always anticipate a comeback over a W. I don't mind having to work the extra 20%. I don't mind having to compete for things that come very naturally to other people. I don't have a chip on my shoulder because I was born a female. I'm not pissed off at the glass ceiling - it just gives me something to break on the way up.

I am dependent on no one for anything - besides for the next breath Jesus decides to grant me. There aren't many like me but for those of you who are - especially the women - I see you. I salute your ambition, your resolve, and your hustle. I see your "take no shit" attitude and I love it. I also see you breaking. I see the pressure you put on yourself to keep up the armor and trust me, more than anyone, I understand why you do it. 

I just wanted to remind you - or maybe I just needed to remind myself - that beyond the Iron Man suit you've worn your whole life - there is a human, a soul - worthy of love. Worthy of the kind of love that doesn't get bored, that doesn't stop choosing you, that doesn't take you for granted. The kind of love that will force you open, tear down your walls - and make sure you never have to put them up again. I know, right? Part of the reason we're robotic - is because we'e tried to be open - and the people we never thought would break us - did just that. I get it. I could dedicate an entire blog site on the ways in which people have tried to break me. But at some point - you will have to let people in. No man is an island and as I type this - I understand what it's like to want to be one. Nothing sounds better in this second than turning inward and shutting everybody out. 

I cannot preach to you - but I can tell you that staying angry gives other people authority over your life. I can't promise everything will be sunshine and roses but I can tell you that the right people will be like angels in your time of need. Hold on to those people and then pray, exhale, and repeat. 

Love,

B.

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Endings and Beginnings and Dealing with the Fuzzy Middle

Fin.

Endings are never easy...unless you're a robot and you don't actually grasp what an "end" is. Unfortunately, in order to connect with people we have to give them pieces of ourselves in one way or another. In turn, they give us pieces of them. No matter how terrible a situation is or how much "better for us" an ending may be...it's still hard. Depending on the length of the relationship, some gave a little and some gave more, and some put everything they had into it. So, what do you do when it ends? How do you pick yourself up and move forward? How do you fill the void? I don't think I can quantify how many articles I've read, how many books I've listened to in the car, and how much time I've spent researching to tell you this: you don't...at least not right away.

Quick Fixes: The Demise of A Process

We have been conditioned to believe in quick fixes. Need to a lose a few pounds? No problem! Feeling a little bloated? We got you! Need to quickly buy something you can't afford? Right away!

Fast food, fast weight loss, fast financing, fast cars...and the list goes on. We are instant gratification craving, Gotta-Have-It-Now boot stomping society. In fact, when was the last time you walked into a bank and sat down until it was your turn to speak to a live human about your hard earned money? Don't worry, I'll wait...

Naturally, when we are accustomed to information at our finger tips, oil changes in 20 minutes or less, and a meal that you can spend $6 on and less than four minutes flat, we want our breakups to stop hurting like, yesterday, and when they don't we internalize, then get pissed off, and then get bitter. We have forgotten about the grind. The grind it took to forge the relationship, the grind it took to maintain it, and the grind it's going to take to move past it. 

I just had my wisdom teeth cut out. More dramatically and in true bad ass fashion, my Dad just went through open heart surgery. Healing - in any way shape or form, is a process. Your soul needs to heal. 

The List: Why it Matters

Chances are if you're still reading this, you need some substance. There's also a good chance you had a great deal invested in your last relationship. For me, it was seven years. In seven years, you do a lot. Activities with this person take up the majority of your free time. So, I made a list. I made a list of everything that I'd like to do if I never had to ask another person if they'd enjoy it too. Your list can be as practical or as adventurous as you want it to be. I'm a busy body, adventurer, wander-luster so some things on my list are out there...but I'll share some of it:  go to more concerts, volunteer more, finally write the book, blog more, go to Turkey, visit New Zealand, start a podcast. As you can tell, I'm all over the place..but it doesn't matter. The list is for you. As you think about your list, keep this thought in the back of your mind: you don't have to ask anyone else for their opinion. Your SO chose to leave your life, and this isn't your best friend's breakup...so you're doing it for you and you alone!

Maybe you've always wanted to try pink hair, but your SO hated the idea so you didn't....ON. THE. LIST! Maybe you've always wanted to try raw oysters but your knight-turned-joker was allergic to shellfish....WRITE. IT. DOWN! Take up photography, sit in on an art class, whatever you think would make your soul sing, write it down. The act of just attempting to take your life back is both refreshing and empowering, so go ahead with your amazing self and get to daydreaming and making plans!

Crying: Release and Let Go

I couldn't write a break up post without seriously talking to you about crying. Do it. Loudly and often. It ties back into what I was saying about processes. Crying is a body's natural response to emotion whether happy or sad. Don't deny your body that. I can't count how many nights I spent on the floor sobbing. It's ok to have those nights. That's healthy. What's not healthy is refusing to deal. It's letting your circle influence your plans and taking over your healing time for the next undetermined amount of days/weeks, whatever. Everybody means well. They want to console you and they don't want you to be alone. Girlfriend, you'll have to be alone eventually. You will have to face it head on and avoiding dealing with emotions by consuming copious amounts of alcohol, drugs, sex, or a combination of all three is not only dangerous, it just doesn't work.

So spend some time alone, in the quiet and if you feel like it, cry. Just don't stay there. Make a deal with yourself to have those moments but then get up. Even when your body physically doesn't want to. Get up, wash up, get made up, and move. I can't promise it will get easy quickly, but I can promise your alone time will prepare you for your blessing in the future.

Believing Even When it Sucks

I'll leave you with this. As the song says...which I ironically walked down the aisle to (awkward)... Don't Stop Believing! You may not understand what happened, why it ended, or how you will survive it but I need you to believe that you will. If there were never any endings, there wouldn't be any new beginnings. It's hard for me to type this because there's so much left that I need to get over but I have to believe. I believe in love. I believe that somewhere there's an adventurer, wander-luster, non-f*-boy out there for me and that when God is ready and my soul is ready, we'll find each other. Or, if there isn't, I'll know my life was meant for a different purpose. You have got to believe in your purpose and you've got to commit to finding out what that is. You weren't put on this Earth to JUST be someone's wife, or girlfriend, or arm candy. You were put on this Earth to make bold moves and change the course of history. You have to believe it, and you have to seek it.

You're a woman. Capable of fighting in wars and then turning around and kissing boo-boos. You are more beautiful and powerful than you feel right now and I promise, if you'll believe it, and spend the necessary time figuring yourself out...everything else will fall into place.

I love you,

B.

 

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Chase Your Sunset: New Year, New Doubts

I never know how to properly start introductions after not writing for so long. Sorry? It's been a while? You already know that. I also always have a tendency to promise I'll do this more often and life has a tendency to get in the way. I want to inspire you but the truth is, I don't feel inspiring every day - or every week - or sometimes for months. I wish my life was epic enough to have something constructive to write about on a daily basis but alas, I put my pants on one leg at a time too.

2017 took its toll on me in many ways which I won't get into - but there were some real struggles. The more I've talked to people over the last few months, I've realized 2017 was that kind of year for a lot of us. So, if you're reading this and you're glad you made it to this side of that awful year - Cheers! and Congratulations!

At the front end of 2018, I am a proud owner of a now four-year-old. I'm not sure where the time went but here we are! It is precisely the topic which led me to write today. I continue to be amazed by my kid. It's corny when people say that - because, well, it's your kid, you're supposed to be amazed. 

I mean just think about it. If toddlers/pre-schoolers were any less cute or stopped amazing us and making us laugh with what they learn every day - we'd probably eat our young like in nature. Before you "Perfect Moms" out there go getting all sanctimonious on me, if you haven't had to clean up piles of toddler poop when your daughter refused to stay on the pot long enough to get it all out- because running from Mommy was infinitely more hilarious - I don't want to hear about it. I digress...

So, Mila's right of passage for turning four was to hit up the ever epic Chuck E. Cheese. Her and her friends played like maniacs and towards almost the end of the night they all decided to go into the climbing gym- play area thing. I don't know the technical name for it: but you basically climb up three rungs of platforms to get to the top set of tunnels which they crawl through and chase each other in and eventually get to the slide. Mila's besties, AJ and Kinzley, were thrilled to go along on this climbing expedition but, Kinzley couldn't quite make it up the rung levels to get to the top of the play gym. Wasting no time whatsoever, AJ and Mila devised a plan to help her. 

I stood there watching them, admittedly consumed with my own thoughts, some of which were negative, spiteful, worrisome and stress-filled, while others were logistics - what bills needed to be paid, what the rest of the weekend was going to look like, how much laundry I had to finish, and reminding myself to buy dog food.  I was watching but I wasn't engaged until something caught my eye. My kid.

My 24 weeker, barely viable, 1 lb 7 oz, odds stacked against her, couldn't breathe on her own for three months, 112 days in the hospital kid was quite literally picking her friend up and lifting her onto each rung so all three of them could get to the top. What?? Naturally, I proceeded to do what any good mother would in this situation. I found the closest chair and started crying...like an idiot. Through my tears I watched the same thing happen over and over. Each time, Mila wasn't phased. She kept lifting Kinzley, who is a bit bigger in stature and certainly weighs more, and never grew tired. 

As I kept watching, I was instantly convicted. I felt a physical sting in my chest. It just hit me. If you had asked me five minutes before this took place whether it was possible, I would have told you, "No." How ignorant am I? To instinctively pick doubt over possibility and to immediately write a situation off as impossible when I had no statistical input that it couldn't work. I doubted my own child! I was transported back to every diagnosis she was given, to every milestone I was told she'd never meet and I felt so foolish.

Life has a way of breaking us. We get dealt a hand that seems impossible to overcome and we buckle. We allow ourselves to be convinced of our worth by people who are miserable within themselves. We take the easy way out by losing hope and not trying when the rubber meets the road. If you want me to inspire you, you're going to have to become inspire-able. Take my mistake and make a commitment to not repeat it. Never doubt yourself or anyone else and certainly do not allow a single person to tell you what you're capable of. Among the Biljanas, be a Mila. Continue to smash through obstacles and chase new records to break. Continue giving a figurative middle finger to whatever someone has said about you and chase your sunset. 

The most beautiful part about this is, Mila doesn't know what her outcome could have been. She doesn't know what was said about her. She instinctively fought and as her personality continues to develop, I catch glimpses of that rebellious, "try me" sparkle in her eye and I'm so thankful for it. Her battles in life are only beginning, but one thing is for sure,  I'll never doubt her again.

 

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