Empty Vessels Need Filling
Yesterday was that day
I'll blame it on being female first off, for scientific reasons. You can infer what you will. Couple that with feeling like this week was Groundhog Day work wise, a child who has suddenly taken up a habit of hitting teachers at daycare, certain situations drudging up old wounds, and just all around feeling like I can't win for losing - in every arena of my life. It was the perfect storm for an emotionally charged outburst.
I promised myself my daughter would never see me break down. So far, I have not broken that code. My daughter has seen me upset and frustrated, but I have yet to lose it in front of her. So, I managed bedtime, and even made an attempt to just go to sleep myself which worked until about 1:00 a.m. I woke from a dead sleep, entirely in my feelings. Let's just say I cried so hard I busted some capillaries but couldn't cover them up with makeup because my eyes were too puffy to put anything on them.
Always juggling
For whatever reason at 1:00 a.m., the entire world was on my shoulders. Actually, the realization that I felt like the whole world was on my shoulders was, I guess, what happened at 1:00 a.m. I felt beyond defeated. I don't do well at asking for much of anything. I am used to doing it all by myself. I however will continue to do for other people without turning the tap off. What ends up here, is a vessel that is bone dry, and it cannot possibly pour out any more.
The issue with people like me is that in our weak moments, when we have reached the bone dry state, we don't just ask for what we need. Instead, we begin rehashing in our minds all of the experiences that have led us to this point of desperation and how much we feel like we have poured out, to not get any return on our investment. This causes anxiety and depression in that moment. It makes us question who we are and why we aren't good enough for someone to want to pour into us as much as we pour into them.
Between working full time +, writing, co-parenting, attempting to keep house, keeping a side hustle afloat, attempting to blog, and attempting to be an encouraging voice for women like me - I get spent y'all. I get overwhelmed and I get weak. I feel like I'm back in a boxing ring except I feel like I'm in the ring for 15 minutes instead of three, and the rest time is only about 30 seconds instead of a minute. Insert trying to date or build a relationship into this mix and you have a perfect storm.
Say what you need to say
I've said this before, I'm great at giving advice - taking it is a different ball game. One piece of advice that I have taken to heart and earnestly tried to implement in my life - is saying what I feel I have to say, regardless of the outcome. I am learning to be brave enough to break my own heart instead of staying silent to avoid a fall out. I've learned you cannot keep things on your soul to avoid conflict because the inner turmoil you create for yourself is far more damaging. You also have to learn when to say "enough" and I struggle here. I'm an encourager and helper by nature and I will continue to try to be those things even when I'm a shell of a person myself. This isn't fair to the people asking for your help, because you can't give them your best. Saying you need a break is braver than continuing on empty and risking hurting those around you.
Don't Settle
Being self aware is so important. In the midst of my storm, I understand that I am the cause of 80% of the issues I had this week. I know it started with hormones and ended with working myself up. One tiny thing blew up into a big thing and it spiraled from there. However, if there are people in your life who are continuously manifesting situations where you are second guessing your worth or feeling like you aren't enough - it is time to evaluate your relationships. If there are people in your life to whom you have shown loyalty time and time again - and they are no where to be found when you need them - it is time for your loyalty to reach the end of it's "free trial period". You cannot allow yourself to settle for people who are absolutely callous about letting you down. Those people lack character and a moral compass and they do not care about you. If they are costing you your peace - they are too expensive. You must be brave enough to break your own heart and cut out people who will leach your happiness and leave you empty without thinking twice. You are too precious.xoxo,
