I Know.

I’m watching you self-medicate to cope and it breaks me. It breaks my heart to see you filling voids with empty, harmful things. I know the pain beneath the cover up. I know the sorrow behind the smirk. I recognize it because it’s lived inside me too. I know that even in a crowded room you can feel alone.

I know that in the middle of going through the motions of learning how to be okay, you’re also reminded that somebody destroyed you. I know the desperate need to not feel. I know the nights spent alone, on your face, wondering why. I know what that dark hole in the middle of your chest feels like. I’m very familiar with not knowing how you’ll go on, and picking up anything and everything to keep your mind off the fact that you’re lost. I understand your reality. I see you. I have felt the sting of an “I’ll never leave you” on my own skin.  I know what it’s like to pour out loyalty to not get it back.

I also want you to know that darkness is broken by the smallest sliver of light. That as long as there’s a crack in the door, you’re not alone. You will never be left nor forsaken. I know you feel lost - but you are never far from where you need to be. I want you to know you’re loved in ways I can’t even explain for reasons I’m not aware of myself. Know that on the other side of the choice you make to stop self-destructing, is beauty and real love beyond anything you could imagine in this moment. 

I see you, and I know...all of the goodness in you and all of the strength in you. You’re strong enough to rise, you’re strong enough to overcome.

Xoxo,

B.

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Grace Under Pressure

We’ve put such pressure on ourselves and others to always be the best and to always exceed expectations, that when someone, including ourselves, doesn’t meet or exceed our expectations, we get angry and write them off as unworthy. I’ll be the first to tell you I’m guilty.

I put rules and expectations on people that I never tell them about and then get mad when they can’t meet them. I expect a certain standard of behavior from my friends, relatives, romantic relationships and if I don’t see that behavior, I feel offended. I don’t often stop to think whether I am being the best version of me for others – and if you’re honest – you probably do it too. Here’s some examples…

Example 1: You get irritated when someone doesn’t text you back, but if you look through your phone you’ll find at least one person you didn’t bother responding to.

Example 2: You don’t get an invite to something, but the last three times you were invited somewhere you chose to do other things or had some excuse as to why you couldn’t be there.

Example 3: You’re getting sick of your boyfriend’s lack of spontaneity and random displays of affection, but you can’t honestly name the last time you did something fun, sexy, or spontaneous just for him.

If we get down to it, we’re all guilty of some or all the examples I named – or different versions of them. The truth is, we can’t be the best version of ourselves every single day. If that were possible, we wouldn’t be human, and we wouldn’t require grace. I fail 100 times a day or more. I fail at being the best friend, the best Mom, and I absolutely fail at being the best girlfriend/lover/person. I’m not okay some days.

I know social media is bombarding you with quotes and memes about how you should be a Queen, be a boss, and excel at everything you do – and most of the time you should. But I want to tell you that even on your worst day – when your crown has fallen, when you can’t even boss yourself out of bed, and when you feel like you’ve failed everyone –  you’re still you, and you’re worth everything. If you weren’t Super Mom today, it’s okay. If you weren’t #1 Dad today, it’s okay. If you weren’t the best employee, friend, sister, or brother today – it’s okay.

I’m not the best at apologizing or asking for forgiveness, my pride gets the absolute best of me sometimes and the person I suck at apologizing to the most, is me. If you talk to anyone who knows me they’ll tell you it’s impossible for me to hold a grudge and that’s true, but when it comes to forgiving myself, I’m the worst. There are things in my life over a decade old that I recently forgave myself for. I had to figure out and understand that – I wasn’t okay when I made certain decisions in my life and that doesn’t make me unworthy – it makes me human and it isn’t possible for me to get it all right all the time. 

One day, my pride took a kick to the teeth…because when people are interested in hearing my story, I get to tell them about Jesus, grace, and how it changed my life. How can I tell people they were forgiven by a God who loves them through Christ, when I couldn’t forgive myself for my own damage? If Jesus’s blood was enough sacrifice for the Creator of Heaven and Earth to wipe my slate clean– who the hell did I think I was? He is greater than me and He already forgave. Once it clicked, there was no looking back.

In the same way I learned to forgive and liberate myself, I learned to forgive others and liberate myself…from them. I learned to accept apologies I’ll never receive. I know those people weren’t okay when they chose to make decisions which hurt me. It doesn’t make it right, but it sets me free. It frees my mind from thinking about it for one more second. It frees my soul from the burden of carrying hurt, and it frees my heart to let people in and love. 

The alternative is dangerous, and I’ve been there too. It’s dark and it’s lonely and it leads to decisions you sometimes can’t take back. This post comes on the back of some awful news within the last week about people who were under so much pressure to be successful, who seemed okay but weren’t and it led to some awful results.

Extend grace wherever you go-  first to yourself and then to everyone else.

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