Endings and Beginnings and Dealing with the Fuzzy Middle

Fin.

Endings are never easy...unless you're a robot and you don't actually grasp what an "end" is. Unfortunately, in order to connect with people we have to give them pieces of ourselves in one way or another. In turn, they give us pieces of them. No matter how terrible a situation is or how much "better for us" an ending may be...it's still hard. Depending on the length of the relationship, some gave a little and some gave more, and some put everything they had into it. So, what do you do when it ends? How do you pick yourself up and move forward? How do you fill the void? I don't think I can quantify how many articles I've read, how many books I've listened to in the car, and how much time I've spent researching to tell you this: you don't...at least not right away.

Quick Fixes: The Demise of A Process

We have been conditioned to believe in quick fixes. Need to a lose a few pounds? No problem! Feeling a little bloated? We got you! Need to quickly buy something you can't afford? Right away!

Fast food, fast weight loss, fast financing, fast cars...and the list goes on. We are instant gratification craving, Gotta-Have-It-Now boot stomping society. In fact, when was the last time you walked into a bank and sat down until it was your turn to speak to a live human about your hard earned money? Don't worry, I'll wait...

Naturally, when we are accustomed to information at our finger tips, oil changes in 20 minutes or less, and a meal that you can spend $6 on and less than four minutes flat, we want our breakups to stop hurting like, yesterday, and when they don't we internalize, then get pissed off, and then get bitter. We have forgotten about the grind. The grind it took to forge the relationship, the grind it took to maintain it, and the grind it's going to take to move past it. 

I just had my wisdom teeth cut out. More dramatically and in true bad ass fashion, my Dad just went through open heart surgery. Healing - in any way shape or form, is a process. Your soul needs to heal. 

The List: Why it Matters

Chances are if you're still reading this, you need some substance. There's also a good chance you had a great deal invested in your last relationship. For me, it was seven years. In seven years, you do a lot. Activities with this person take up the majority of your free time. So, I made a list. I made a list of everything that I'd like to do if I never had to ask another person if they'd enjoy it too. Your list can be as practical or as adventurous as you want it to be. I'm a busy body, adventurer, wander-luster so some things on my list are out there...but I'll share some of it:  go to more concerts, volunteer more, finally write the book, blog more, go to Turkey, visit New Zealand, start a podcast. As you can tell, I'm all over the place..but it doesn't matter. The list is for you. As you think about your list, keep this thought in the back of your mind: you don't have to ask anyone else for their opinion. Your SO chose to leave your life, and this isn't your best friend's breakup...so you're doing it for you and you alone!

Maybe you've always wanted to try pink hair, but your SO hated the idea so you didn't....ON. THE. LIST! Maybe you've always wanted to try raw oysters but your knight-turned-joker was allergic to shellfish....WRITE. IT. DOWN! Take up photography, sit in on an art class, whatever you think would make your soul sing, write it down. The act of just attempting to take your life back is both refreshing and empowering, so go ahead with your amazing self and get to daydreaming and making plans!

Crying: Release and Let Go

I couldn't write a break up post without seriously talking to you about crying. Do it. Loudly and often. It ties back into what I was saying about processes. Crying is a body's natural response to emotion whether happy or sad. Don't deny your body that. I can't count how many nights I spent on the floor sobbing. It's ok to have those nights. That's healthy. What's not healthy is refusing to deal. It's letting your circle influence your plans and taking over your healing time for the next undetermined amount of days/weeks, whatever. Everybody means well. They want to console you and they don't want you to be alone. Girlfriend, you'll have to be alone eventually. You will have to face it head on and avoiding dealing with emotions by consuming copious amounts of alcohol, drugs, sex, or a combination of all three is not only dangerous, it just doesn't work.

So spend some time alone, in the quiet and if you feel like it, cry. Just don't stay there. Make a deal with yourself to have those moments but then get up. Even when your body physically doesn't want to. Get up, wash up, get made up, and move. I can't promise it will get easy quickly, but I can promise your alone time will prepare you for your blessing in the future.

Believing Even When it Sucks

I'll leave you with this. As the song says...which I ironically walked down the aisle to (awkward)... Don't Stop Believing! You may not understand what happened, why it ended, or how you will survive it but I need you to believe that you will. If there were never any endings, there wouldn't be any new beginnings. It's hard for me to type this because there's so much left that I need to get over but I have to believe. I believe in love. I believe that somewhere there's an adventurer, wander-luster, non-f*-boy out there for me and that when God is ready and my soul is ready, we'll find each other. Or, if there isn't, I'll know my life was meant for a different purpose. You have got to believe in your purpose and you've got to commit to finding out what that is. You weren't put on this Earth to JUST be someone's wife, or girlfriend, or arm candy. You were put on this Earth to make bold moves and change the course of history. You have to believe it, and you have to seek it.

You're a woman. Capable of fighting in wars and then turning around and kissing boo-boos. You are more beautiful and powerful than you feel right now and I promise, if you'll believe it, and spend the necessary time figuring yourself out...everything else will fall into place.

I love you,

B.